Chapter 43

So many notebooks begun over the past year. Entries of just a few pages, and then the book abandoned, forgotten on a desk, under a bed, in a handbag. Little blasts of energy that have punctured through the veil of motherhood, attempts to capture and distil the fleeting thoughts and feelings of these first days of her life, all inevitably railroaded again by another set of teeth, another breastfeeding no-slumber party. 

It’s fine (kind of) if you try to do nothing else. If you dedicate yourself to the altar of motherhood and expecting nothing more from your day than to meet the needs of your baby/toddler. But every so often you get a peek through the window into that other life – the one where there is time and energy for something other than mothering – and you remember. 

You remember when thinking wasn’t a leisure activity.

When you would “quickly pop” to the supermarket instead of lingering in its aisles in a bid to drag out the half hour you have to yourself. 

You remember the long hours reading books on the couch. 

The silence. The cups of coffee. 

The casual decision to go out for dinner, or take a bath. 

Now there is no casual. Now you are the CEO of the most important company in the world. Your decisions are strategic, all made to make sure she grows and flourishes. You want to set the best example, be as present as you can for her, socialise her, introduce her to the best of the world – the worst can come later. The first three years are the most important they tell you. And so you commit to building the best foundation you can. To creating the best bedrock possible so when the storms of the future come, and they will, she will have resilience, patience, compassion, love programmed into the fibres of her being, to stand firm in its path.

Why are there so few women in senior management, the world wants to know?  Because we are already CEOs of our own self-created empires. 

“You will fail her,” the crowd says. “We all do. We all fail them.”

Yes, but there are a few ways I don’t want to fail her. 

I want her to know I am listening. That I won’t leave her to cry without comfort. 

I want to nourish her sense of fun and celebrate her creativity. 

I want her to know that she is seen by me, but that I also respect her need for privacy and independence. 

I want her to know that when the days are long, and it’s all too much, I am there for her and I want her to know unequivocally that she is safe with me, that home is a safe space. 

I guess I want for her the things that I wish for myself. Is that what we do? Parent ourselves through our children?

Today is my first day back at my writing desk in 17 months. It is a beautiful space. It has a wide wooden window overlooking the washing line, a flowerbed and the small enclosed garden that we created for her, where there is a swing and a slide and a hammock. My floor is painted pale blue cement, the walls are white, and in the corner is a bright orange wooden armchair with African wax print cushions that I made when she was tiny and I had no energy for words. 

My desk takes up most of the room. I bought it from a neighbour who lives on the edge of the village and who had come to despise the thing because her sons used it as a dumping ground. I had initially wanted something small so I could also fit a sleeper couch in the room but now I’m glad it’s huge and there’s no room for anyone else. Except the spider. He’s taken up residence in the second drawer on the right hand side with a bottle of glue and a two-prong adaptor. He’s not always there, but when he is, I shut the drawer quickly. We all need a room of our own.

The pictures on the walls and shelves are both familiar and foreign. 

A framed aeronautical map of Joburg given to me by a dear friend, resting against copies of the Secret Joburg book I co-authored but could never promote because it came out at the same time as the baby. 

An Artist’s Proof of ‘Check Mate’ by the Joburg artist Senzo Shabangu in which faceless overlords oversee a chess game being played with the iconic buildings of Joburg and a church, a bungalow and a thatched hut; alongside a poster that reads “Who is Responsible for Our Freedom?” that promoted our dialogue café at the Grahamstown Arts Festival’ across the room from an illustration that I tore out of a magazine and framed: a whitewashed map of South Africa, sketched over with an African face, and written the words “You still love her. How can you not? She’s in your blood and bones?”

Everything political. Everything from another life before I fell in love with a little girl who is totally of my blood and bones, and left me without the energy or desire for anything else.  

Until now?

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The perfect baby scandal

Non-invasive pre-natal testing (NIPT) might be the new gold standard for Downs Syndrome screening, but as I found out while pregnant, when it comes to other genetic conditions, this £450 test can deliver more harm than good 

I was looking for certainty at a time when there is none. At 41, after enduring five difficult years in which my husband battled and survived two kinds of cancer, I was pregnant after just one round of IVF with sperm that we had frozen prior to his chemotherapy.

We were thrilled but cautious. Because of my advanced age we knew our baby was at a higher risk of Downs Syndrome and after the previous five years, we knew we did not have not have the emotional reserves to raise a child with intellectual disability. 

During the IVF process I had heard about the Harmony Test, one of the Non-Invasive Prenatal Tests (NIPT) offered by pharmaceutical companies like Roche through private laboratories and clinics, which are considered to be a more accurate and safer way to screen than the older methods of ultrasound and amniocentesis, the latter of which can cause miscarriage.   

This test is due to be brought onto the NHS in England for Downs Syndrome towards the end of 2018. 

The test was invented for Downs, but has since been extended to screen for other genetic abnormalities, including abnormalities in the sex chromosomes, and at eleven weeks pregnant, I paid £450 privately at Glasgow Centre for Reproductive Medicine (GCRM), an IVF clinic for the Harmony NIPT.

During the appointment I was asked to tick a box if I wanted to know the gender. 

I hesitated. I was not in a hurry to know the gender, it felt like peeking under the hood. 

“If you don’t tick the box, then they can’t test for abnormalities in the sex chromosomes,” said the nurse. 

She had just told me in a breezy voice that my baby’s nuchal fold and nasal bones looked normal on the accompanied ultrasound and so with a sigh and a shrug, I ticked the box.

As I left, she told me that if the test results were fine, I would receive an email, and if there was a problem, I would get a phone call. 

Ten days later the phone rang. 

Professor Alan Cameron is both a consultant obstetrician and maternal fetal medicine specialist at the private IVF clincic  and head of fetal medicine at the NHS Queen Elizabeth University Hospital in Glasgow. As the IVF clinic receptionist told me proudly over the phone, “He’s the guy who brought the Harmony Test to Scotland.”

In a kind voice, as I sat shivering in a towel, Professor Cameron told me that the test had come back as high risk for Turner Syndrome, a sex chromosomal disorder that only affects girls. Girls with Turner Syndrome are infertile, with many only diagnosed in adolescence when they fail to start puberty. He added that this genetic disorder is not hereditary and has nothing to do with maternal age

At no point in the phone call did he say the test might be wrong. What he did say was that the Harmony Test was just a screening test, not a diagnosis, and for this result to be confirmed, we would have to have either chorionic villus sampling (CVS), where a biopsy is done of the placenta by inserting a needle through the mother’s stomach, or an amniocentesis, where fluid is removed from the amniotic sac, also via needle, both of which have a risk of miscarriage. 

What he did ask me though, was why I chose to have the test. 

The words: “because I could,” flashed through my brain. Any pregnant woman is able to buy this test, at her own discretion, through a clinic. An obstetrician does not have to recommend her for it. If she has £450 spare, she can buy it, in the belief that she is doing the best thing for herself and her baby. Forewarned is forearmed, right?  

As I put down the phone, shattered, I thought this was a fait accompli. I believed I had paid for the best new pre-natal technology on the market.

And as I read through the list of Turner syndrome symptoms sent to me, by the Professor, via email, my spine slumped, what little first-trimester energy I had disappeared through my fingers, and I sobbed and sobbed as I read what sounded like a busy week on a hospital ward for ten patients. 

Girls with Turner Syndrome are shorter than their peers and require growth hormone to achieve adult height. They can have a hole in their heart. They can have misshapen kidneys which increase the frequency of UTI infections. They can have thick necks and lower ears and can be born with swollen feet. They are susceptible to ear infections, coeliac disease, underactive thyroid. They do not have intellectual disability, but often struggle with spatial reasoning and mathematics. They are often bullied. 

Life is hard enough, and bringing a child into the world that was staring down the lens of a life lived close to a hospital seemed cruel. I began to consider that termination was the kindest thing for our much-wanted baby.  The mother’s instinct to protect saw destruction as the greatest kindness. 

That afternoon, through unstoppable tears, I told my best friend over the phone. Her response stopped me in my tracks. 

“It could be wrong,” she said. 

“How can it?” I asked. “These tests are considered to the best new technology out there.”

“Don’t be so sure. Look into it before you make any more decisions,” she said. 

And so I did. And I was stunned. 

I began on the Internet. On baby forums I found woman after woman in the United States whose babies were considered high risk for Turners Syndrome, and for whom the test had been wrong. One woman said her doctor told her the test was so unreliable, you may as well flip a coin.  

I read about something called a Positive Predictive Value (PPV), which refers to the proportion of positive and negative results that are indeed true positives and true negatives – basically how precise the test is – and I found a Bayesian mathematical model that that estimated for a woman with a maternal age of 41, the NIPT for Turner Syndrome had a 59% chance of being wrong, and a 41% chance of being correct. 

Two days later, I called the Professor back to ask if my Internet scouring was pure fancy, or did it hold some truth?  

Was it true that the PPV for this test could around or below 40%?

“Yes, but we don’t know,” he said. 

Could this result could be false positive? 

“Yes,” he said. 

Why didn’t you tell me this when we spoke on the phone? Was it because you didn’t want to give me false hope? 

“Yes,” he said.

What I wouldn’t have given for a flicker of hope over these last two days when it felt like I was drowning, when I could barely stand up for longer than half an hour, when I lay in my husband’s arms and cried and cried, and began to pray for a miscarriage so that this would all be over. 

Three days later, the Professor performed a second ultrasound. Many babies with Turners have large growths on their neck – cystic hygromas – and heart defects. Most die in-utero, with an estimated only 1% of girls with Turners syndrome making it to birth. My baby had a perfect neck, a strong heartbeat – although a proper examination of the heart could only be done at 20 weeks – and measured correctly for her gestational age. But we were not out of the woods. It’s also true that some girls with Turners show no symptoms in-utero. If wanted to know for sure, my only choice was an invasive test with the accompanied risk of miscarriage. 

I was handed over to the midwife, who did her best to give us all the information we needed to make our decision, deploying that NHS non-directional style that does not offer any personal advice, opinion or steer. 

It seemed an irony that a laboratory was prepared to charge me £450 for a test that they had insufficient validation for, and a midwife with years of experience was not permitted to share that experience with me as I made one of the hardest decisions of my life. 

I stared deep into my soul and couldn’t find the answer, so I called my Yorkshire auntie. Her fury was quick and palpable. 

“You can’t terminate a baby because she might be short, flat-chested and can’t do maths. And besides, we are from strong Yorkshire stock. You know that. Don’t let them stick a needle into you. They have already treated you like a science experiment. Don’t let them do it again.”

She was right. I had paid £450 in a bid for certainty, and had inadvertenly bought myself a seat on a rollercoaster of doubt and fear. It was time for me to take back that power.  

And so I put away the tears and began a proper journalistic investigation.

I began with the email the Professor had forwarded from the lab. 

The first line read: “There is currently not enough data to make sensitivity and specificity claims for the individual sex chromosome conditions.”

What the hell did that actually mean?

I typed “sensitivity” and “specificity” into Google and found myself in a world of medical statistics. Slowly I deciphered that it meant that neither the pharmaceutical company that devised the test, nor the labs and clinics that sell it know how good it is in demonstrating whether someone really has the condition they are testing for. That simply do not know how likely the test is to bring back false positives. 

I called TDL Genetics, the laboratory who had tested my blood and asked them why they do not know this. 

“The test is primarily designed for Trisomy 13, 18 and 21, there is just a limited number of patients who have had the sex chromosome conditions to be able to give accurate results,” said clinical scientist, Elaine Holgado

“And how often do you follow-up to see if babies with your high risk score, do indeed have Turners?” I asked. 

“Because a lot of our patients are private, it’s not something that we always get the follow-up information because a lot of the follow-up testing happens in the NHS and there is no link between us, the private clinic and the hospitals,” she said. 

So they don’t. 

I asked why a friend, who had the Harmony Test the previous year, was not offered to test for sex chromosome abnormalities. 

“Because of the test’s limitations, some clinics don’t offer it at all, or only when there is clinical indications on the ultrasound. We do educate the clinicians to discuss with the patients, and most of the time everything is fine and it’s not an issue, so maybe they become too blasé with what they are offering until something like this happens. In your case, the pre-test counselling seems to have fallen short somewhat.”

At my next ultrasound appointment, I asked Professor Cameron why I wasn’t given proper counselling at GCRM before the test? 

 “There aren’t enough genetic counsellors in the UK. If you bought this this test in the US, you would be given four hours of genetic counselling beforehand, but that we don’t have the people in the UK.”

But we wouldn’t put planes in the sky if we didn’t have sufficient pilots, so why are we testing for genetic conditions, if we don’t have the staff to protect vulnerable people and keep us safe?

I asked him why the National Institute of Clinical and Health Excellence (NICE) wasn’t watching this, protecting patients from this situation, and he said it currently fell beyond their remit. So whose remit was it? The next day I called every regulator I could think of. Every press officer shook their head down the phone. By the end of the day I was in tears again. Could it be that nobody in the UK was regulating this? That nobody was making sure that pregnant women weren’t being treated like science experiments? 

A few days later, my suspicion was confirmed by Catherine Joynson, the assistant director of the Nuffield Council of Bioethics. 

In early 2017, the council had released a detailed report on the ethical worries around the brave new world of NIPT. 

“NIPT is not regulated. It has fallen between the cracks. I’m trying to get someone to notice it. I’ve written to the Care Quality Commission who’ve sort of ignored us, the health minister who has now lost his job in the reshuffle. The trouble is, with Brexit going on, these kinds of issues are just not a priority.”

What’s more, in their study, Nuffield couldn’t find any good scientific studies on testing for sex chromosome aneuploidies. 

“We think it’s important that people have reproductive autonomy but anecdotally we heard that these tests are being offered without upfront information. We heard from many women who’ve you’ve ended up in a situation where they have some results that are really scary and they are not sure what to do with them,” says Johnson. 

Which was how I felt. Turner syndrome, as I was to discover, was a broad church. While an internet search will list all sorts of conditions that make your heart grow cold, practising geneticists and endocrinologists will tell you that Turner Syndrome can actually be a very mild condition, with many families not even knowing they have it until the girls hit puberty and fail to get their period. 

My vexation was further inflamed by a 2015 meta-analysis study published in Ultrasound, Obstetrics and Gynecology Journal. The authors examined all the current studies on screening for sex chromosome aneuploidies by cfDNA testing – effectively the Harmony test – and concluded that: “It may be inappropriate to offer pregnant women screening for sex chromosome aneuploidies by cfDNA testing just because it is feasible. There are several reasons for this: first, the phenotype of these aneuploidies is generally mild; second, the test has a high failure rate and relatively low DR [detection rate] and high FPR [false positive rate]; third, fetal mosaicism accounts for up to 50% of these aneuploidies; and fourth, the test may uncover a previously unknown maternal aneuploidy; up to 90% of women with 47,XXX are not aware that they have a third X chromosome.”

With further digging, I was gobsmacked to find that Ariona, the Harmony Test’s inventor (before selling it to Roche) had said as much in their own 2007 study, and even went as far as to state: “The inclusion of general sex chromosome aneuploidy (SCA) assessment has not been studied extensively and may not fit into classic or well-recognized criteria for prenatal screening. As such, NIPT with evaluation of SCA may be best utilized in cases where a clinical indication such as an ultrasound finding or family history is present.”

So if the Harmony Test has not been tested in the general population, if it was invented to be used in a population where clinical indications are already present, then why is it being sold to any pregnant woman who can afford £450, at her discretion? And why is there no regulator making sure that vulnerable pregnant women are not at the mercy of a brave new world of genetic testing that we are psychologically ill prepared for? 

My story has a positive outcome. After presenting my research to Marco Gaudoin, head of the Glasgow Centre for Reproductive medicine, Dr Gaudoin did his own digging, and agreed that the level of false positives were unacceptable for this test, and has since decided that at his clinic “SCA screening is off the table.”
Professor Cameron will still offer it if any pregnant woman wants SCA screening as part of the NIPT, but they will need to see the professor first so he can counsel them accordingly.

Furthermore, Health Improvements Scotland, who regulates the private healthcare sector in Scotland, agreed that there was a gap in regulations and they would set out to rectify this. 

As for my baby. Fintry Annie Bell was born on 19 June 2018. Although on the small size at birth (but there are short genes in our family), she continues to have no symptoms of Turners. On the day after she was born, excited paediatricians gathered around us, pushing us to have the genetic test to find out whether she did in fact have the condition. We declined. They pushed. We declined again. Our priority in the days after her birth, and for the rest of her life, was to feed her, nurture her, love her. It’s well documented that anxiety is bad for breastfeeding, and so I declined anything that would put further stress between me and her. She is not a science experiment. We have agreed that – perhaps – when she is one year old we will do a test to see if her X chromosomes are different to those of other girls. In the meantime though, it doesn’t matter. She is healthy, beautiful, full of smiles, and hitting all her textbook milestones. And to think that I considered terminating my pregnancy.

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The alternative orgy (aka IVF)

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It all began when girl crush got pregnant. We all have girl friends who are more crushes than pals: chicas loaded with sass, style and smarts, who are always that little bit out of reach. Girls whose calls we always take.

In April last year, my girl crush got pregnant. I hugged her and celebrated and then went home and sulked. As the weeks went on, I sat alone with two unfamiliar emotions: jealousy and broodiness.

I had spent most of my early 30s actively avoiding having children. When my husband was diagnosed with prostate cancer and had to have his prostate removed to save his life, forever removing the possibility of us getting pregnant naturally, I felt sad but there were no waves of grief or need for a therapist. I’ve always subscribed to the Scots philosophy of “what’s for you, won’t go by you” and I soon accepted our childless future and started planning a trip to Rajasthan.

But as girl crush’s belly began to grow, I was overcome with unfamiliar cravings which I examined with caution. Was my sudden desire to procreate linked to a worry that girl crush would no longer call after baba was born? Or was it my deep subconscious screaming: “Even the coolest chick you know is having a baby! You are going to miss out on one of life’s greatest experiences!”

In the quiet of our marital bedroom, I broached the idea of IVF. Prior to my husband’s cancer treatment, we had frozen some swimmers who were safely in a deep freeze at Glasgow’s Royal Infirmary. Should we get them out of the ice and give IVF a go? Would we regret it if we didn’t at least give it a try?

It was a conversation we chose not to have with family or friends. We figured there was no point soliciting anyone’s opinion except each other’s. We were going to be the ones to raise our baba. Our lives were going to be the ones that changed. No one else’s opinion mattered. Not even girl crush’s.

After months of deliberation we decided to give it one go. With the help of doctors we would throw a latticed bridge to the other world, and if baba said yes, so would we. If baba said: “shove off old people”, we would accept and book a holiday to Laos.

Boom. Bam. Laos lost. Thanks to the talented fertility team at the Glasgow Centre for Reproductive Medicine it worked first time.

Looking back, I know now that one of the reasons I had crossed children off my list was because I was afraid of IVF. I hate hospitals and after five years of living through cancer treatments, I didn’t want to walk down yet another sterile corridor. But as I was to discover a private IFV clinic is more like a boutique hotel than a hospital – it even has glossy magazines.

And one by one, all my other fears were dismantled too.

When I asked the nurse if there was any danger that the IVF drugs could give me cancer, she laughed out loud. “They are just synthetic versions of the normal hormones your body makes, and they leave your system with two days of you taking them.”

Another fear was of dying under general anaesthetic. I told my fear to an anaesthetist at a wedding. She also laughed out loud.

“They don’t use general anaesthetic when they retrieve the eggs, they use conscious sedation. It’s the same thing we use on babies.”

“So there is absolutely no danger of me dying?

“None at all,” she said. “It’s my favourite drug.”

What about the mood swings? I take 50mg of the anti-depressant sertraline daily and have done for 7 years. Thanks to a combination of medication and meditation, my mental health is strong, stable and balanced. I had heard horror stories of how IVF drugs put you out of whack and I was terrified of going back to the abyss.

“It doesn’t happen to everyone,” said the nurse.

And it didn’t happen to me. Because I have a low AMH – ie. I have very few eggs left – I was put on a drug-light protocol. I took synthetic progesterone for 10 days which, five days in, made me feel like I had PMT. I took it while on holiday in Venice and felt emotionless and detached from the most beautiful city in the world. It was crap, but the feeling passed as soon as I stopped taking them.

This was followed by an injection in the leg, and then daily injections in the belly to mature my eggs. Like most ordinary mortals, I was daunted by the thought of injecting myself, but this turned to out to be as terrifying as poking yourself in the tummy with a ballpoint pen, and had no side effects at all.

And when my time came for conscious sedation, I felt a cold creep up my arm, followed by a few moments where it felt I was pondering a thought just beyond my reach. I finally gave up trying to find the thought, opened my eyes and, bam, I was in the recovery room.

What followed was a tale of defeating the odds. Our doctor retrieved just four eggs, but only one of them fertilized. For five days, our single embryo was kept in an incubator outside my body, and I found myself waving at the clinic, every time I drove past, giving our wee one an encouraging wave. On Day 5, we arrived at the clinic and were met with a grinning embryologist who told us that our single embryo was a wee superstar, an A-grade blastocyst that had every chance in the world of making it. Minutes later, in an operating theatre, we watched with amazement on an ultrasound screen, as our embryo was inserted into my uterus through a catheter, arriving into my womb like a shooting star, our little pulse of white light.

We went home, pregnant with possibility, and I spent the next 48 hours laughing as much as I could since I had read research from Japan that said that women exposed to clowns after an IVF treatment have higher success rates. I watched half a series of Modern Family that I had saved for the occasion, though found equal humour in my husband’s face which seemed to be frozen into a state of shock and disbelief.  Ten days later, when my husband was on the other side of the world in a remote corner of Newfoundland, I was able to send him a text to tell him: “Yebo! Yes! Back of the Net!”

Until I braved IVF, I saw it as something that belonged to a shadow world, a world dominated by fear, doubt, anxiety and a sense of failure. But once on this journey, I found a world very different to the one I imagined. In it’s place were encouraging nurses, kind acupuncturists with all sorts of tricks up their sleeves, supportive online forums where women from around the world trade fertility tips (eat an avocado every day – I did) and talented embryologists who are gunning for you all the way.

To those of you who can’t get pregnant in the old-fashioned way, my message is this: screw it. Toss those feelings of fear, doubt and failure out the window. IVF is just another way to get pregnant, a much more collegiate way, in fact and if you’re quite social and like doing things in big groups and are not into orgies, you may even prefer it. It might take a whole village to raise a child, but it can take a receptionist, four nurses, an embryologist, a fertility specialist, a mum and a dad, and some glossy magazines, to make a baby. And there’s nothing wrong with that.

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